miami nights.

The following are excerpts from the police logs of Miami Police Officer Sam Maetta...

Jan. 5, 1983
First day on the job. Responded to call at 2021 E. 36th St. Possible breaking and entering in progress. Arrived late because of traffic on 32nd, probably could have made it faster by hoofing it, but whatever. As I was entering the building the assailant crashed into me, dropping a bag of jewelry and some stereo equipment. I yelled at him, “What’s the big idea, Jerk?” He escaped on foot so I discharged my service revolver. I failed to hit him with any shots. I decided not to run after him as it was pouring rain outside. So I won’t get a medal. Like I care.

Feb. 21, 1983
Responded to a call at Coral Way Elementary School regarding what they thought was a gas leak. I arrived and told the principal that gas leaks were the fire department’s jurisdiction and that I would be of no help to him. After arguing for about forty-five minutes, I finally agreed to check the boiler (broiler?). The basement was really dark and smelled bad so I went down about 5 steps and waited there for a few minutes. I came back up and told the principal that I performed a thorough inspection and that she had nothing to worry about. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my squad car reading an old Hustler I found.

**For the months March-August, no logs were submitted by Officer Maetta. It was later discovered that he paid an unemployed actor fifty dollars a day to impersonate him, while Maetta spent this time at his sister-in-law’s house in Ocean Park, FL.**

Sept. 8, 1983
Christ, today was a scorcher. I arrested an ice cream truck driver and took a nap in his cooler. Woke up two hours later damn near frostbitten. I had one hell of a time explaining that one to the Chief. When he asked, “Why are your cheeks and fingers all red?” I just mumbled something about chasing a perp and then shuffled a bunch of papers on my desk like I was real busy and couldn’t talk. I'm pretty sure he bought it.

Oct. 31, 1983
I hate Halloween (capitalized?). All the kids seem like just because they have a dumb costume it gives them some sort of entitlement. Like, I told this one kid today that his police officer outfit looked totally thrown together and that his gun was obviously fake. I then I showed him my gun real close so he could see what a real firearm looks like. He started crying and ran away real fast but jokes on him, he forgot all his candy! I guess halloween isn’t so bad after all.

Nov. 21, 1983
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I could not be happier. Everyone at the station and dispatch sort of "phones it in" on turkey-day so it should be smooth sailing. I was going to ask for the day off but ill probably just park in front of the electronics store and watch the game most of my shift anyway so what’s the point? After that ill probably just pay a hobo to jerk off on a hooker and stage a rape (busy work!).

Dec. 24, 1983
I can’t believe I have to work Christmas Eve, especially since I had not done any Christmas shopping. So I decided to raid the evidence locker. Kill two birds with one stone, right? I didn’t take any heroin or guns or anything, but there was a lot of nice jewelry that my wife will like and some drug dealer must have had a lot of kids because I found a huge stash of toys and video games in one of the cages. I guess I’ll wrap this stuff in newspaper or something. Or maybe I’ll just put it all in one big cardboard box and wrap that. Whatever.

Jan 3, 1984
Chief said that he wants to meet with me first thing tomorrow morning for my one-year performance evaluation. He seemed kind of pissed off too. I hope he doesn’t read these things or I’m screwed. Well, no use getting all worried about it. I think I’ll take a dump and call it a day!